


Wonder If You Know How It Really Feels (To Be Left Outside Alone)

by BloodInTheFields



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 22:46:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3668007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodInTheFields/pseuds/BloodInTheFields
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You spend an entire month alone in the woods, fighting for your food, crying for the dead, surviving on your own, before you sigh deeply and decide that it is time to go back to Camp Jaha.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wonder If You Know How It Really Feels (To Be Left Outside Alone)

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first time writing in the second person. I hope it's not too bad.  
> Apologies for the mistakes and the limited vocabulary; English is not my first language.

You spend an entire month alone in the woods, fighting for your food, crying for the dead, surviving on your own, before you sigh deeply and decide that it is time to go back to Camp Jaha.

 

When you return, Bellamy is at the gate, a gun in his hand, standing guard. He spots you immediately—you’re not trying to hide—and waits for you to be within reasonable distance before he drops his weapon and runs toward you.

 

“Clarke,” he says.

 

He smiles and there’s relief in his eyes, and maybe joy at seeing you again, and you hug him hard because you missed him, truly. On the Ark, people were only allowed to have one child and you wonder sometimes what it would have been like to grow up with a sibling. You know you shouldn’t envy Octavia because her life on the Ark sucked, but in that moment, you do. Bellamy’s arms are strong around you and you think that you would have loved to have a brother, too.

 

Bellamy lets go of you and he steps back to take a good look at you.

 

“You don’t look too bad,” he says with a grin. “I was afraid you’d come back with missing limbs or something.”

 

You smile tiredly and he seems to understand that maybe, it’s still too soon for jokes. He takes you gently by the arm and leads you into the camp. You spot your mother right away; she’s walking alongside Kane and they seem to have an animated discussion. Abby freezes when she sees you and then, much like Bellamy earlier, she runs toward you until you are safely in her arms.

 

She whispers in your ear, how glad she is that you’re okay, how much she loves you, how she missed you. You say nothing back. You can’t.

 

Octavia and Lincoln are here, but you’re not surprised. The Grounders consider them both traitors for having disobeyed Lexa’s order to retreat.

 

Lexa. You don’t want to think about her.

 

Raven comes out of her tent when she hears the excitation growing in the camp. She smiles at you and walks, and you meet her halfway because she won’t show it but her leg is still probably a total bother and you don’t want her to force too much on it.

 

“Clarke,” she starts.

 

You think of everything that has happened between the two of you since she arrived on Earth a few months ago. You think of Finn. But Raven has moved on from that. You notice Wick standing a few feet behind her and he offers a small smile and a wave of his hand.

 

“Clarke,” Raven repeats and you focus on her once more. “I just wanted to tell you that if you need to talk to anyone—“

“Raven,” you interrupt gently, “thank you, but I’m fine.”

 

Of course Raven gives you a knowing look but she accepts the kind refusal you offered without another word. She squeezes your shoulder and kisses your cheek.

 

“Welcome back,” she tells you before stepping away.

 

The rest of the day is a blur. Jasper doesn’t come to see you and you don’t seek him out. Monty offers silent support; he looks miserable and you deduce that he and Jasper are still not talking. People come to you and you try your hardest to smile, to thank them, but your heart is not in it. You feel empty. Bellamy stays close to you, catches you up on what happened while you were away. He speaks of the shaky alliance with the Grounders and how he and Abby fought to make it stand. Somehow he understands that you don’t want to hear about that, not now, and he switches the subject to Murphy and Jaha who have disappeared somewhere. He explains to you that the rest of the group who had gone with them have come back and told tales of a City of Lights that Thelonious wanted to reach. You think that he and Murphy are probably dead by now but you keep it to yourself.

 

Finally the night comes and you excuse yourself as early as possible after having eaten the rest of your provisions from the woods. Once you’re safely hidden from everyone’s gaze, you run a hand through your hair and sit down on the bed (it’s not really a bed but it’s still better than the ground.) You know it’s very unlikely that you’ll get any sleep tonight.

 

__

 

A few days pass and people at the camp don’t look at you like you’re the sun anymore. You’re back to being regular Clarke, their leader. Of course, they are still grateful for what you did for them. It makes you feel sick. Because you might have saved those trapped in the Mountain, but you had to kill to do so. You had to kill innocent people. You had to kill children. You wonder if they realize that, if they care.

 

You try to escape the camp as often as you can, even though you’re just outside its limits. You try to force yourself to feel something. You don’t like the emptiness that has taken up residence inside of you. But the only thing you can feel is anger, and it is burning bright within you.

 

You are angry at yourself.

 

You are angry at your mother.

 

You are angry at those who made the decision to send all of you to the ground in the first place.

 

You are angry at having lost so many people despite not even being eighteen yet.

 

You are angry at the world.

 

You are angry at Lexa.

 

Lexa, Lexa, Lexa.

 

You can’t keep her out of your thoughts. You should be able to. You should be able to block any thoughts of her. You should be able to stop seeing her every time you close your eyes. But no matter what you do, your mind always goes back to her.

 

You’re sitting on a rock right outside the woods when Octavia and Lincoln step out of the shadows of the trees. Lincoln is carrying two rabbits in one hand, and he nods at you when he walks past you. Octavia stops and stands beside you.

 

“How are you doing?” she asks.

“I’m fine.”

 

Instead of walking away, Octavia plops down on the ground next to you and sighs.

 

“Lexa is in Polis.”

 

You turn your head brusquely at these words and stare at the younger woman next to you.

 

“What? What makes you think I care?”

 

Octavia doesn’t look at you; she picks at the grass in front of her crossed legs.

 

“Clarke, come on. Let’s not do this, okay?”

 

You sigh deeply, because she’s right. There’s no point in lying.

 

“How do you know? I thought you weren’t part of the Grounders anymore.”

“We’re not. But Lincoln and I have friends in TonDC. We meet up in the woods twice a week to hunt. Then we talk for a bit. Nyko came along for the hunt today. He’s the one who told us the Commander was in Polis.”

 

You remain silent while you process the information. Lexa had once asked you to come to the capital with her, moments before she had betrayed you. It makes you feel bitter and angry all over again. It makes you want to slap her. And that’s exactly what you’re going to do.

 

You get up suddenly and Octavia imitates you.

 

“Clarke?”

“Tomorrow I’ll leave camp.”

“Again? Why?”

“I have some unfinished business with Lexa.”

 

Bellamy’s sister looks at you like you’ve lost your mind but you ignore her and start walking back toward the gate.

 

“You’re going to Polis?”

“Yes.”

“Then let me accompany you. And Lincoln.”

“It’s not necessary.”

“I want to see the capital. Your mother will be less reluctant to let you go if you’re not on your own. Lincoln knows where Polis is and you don’t.”

 

Octavia has a point and you know it.

 

“Fine. You can come. Be ready at dawn.”

 

__

 

As Octavia predicted, your mother frowns when you tell her you’ll be leaving in the morning but she trusts you well enough by now and she’s soon appeased by Lincoln who swears to protect you. Bellamy wants to come with you but you refuse. He is needed at the camp and you’re not planning to stay away for too long this time.

 

When the sun shows up at the horizon, Octavia and Lincoln are waiting for you outside of your tent. Together, with weapons and backpacks filled with food and water, you leave Camp Jaha.

 

__

 

Lincoln is a good guide. He takes a few detours to show you and Octavia the most beautiful places around. He avoids the main roads where you would likely meet trouble. He is mostly silent, and so is Octavia ever since she began her training as a Grounder warrior, but you’re thankful for that. You really don’t want to talk.

 

It takes you four days on foot to reach the capital. It is longer than you had imagined but the journey helped you clear your mind a bit. You’ve picked up some new skills along the way thanks to your travelling companions. Lincoln showed you how to sharpen a piece of wood to make a spear out of it without getting blisters and splinters on your hands. Octavia showed you how to build a net to catch fish more easily. At night you still don’t sleep well, but you keep your eyes closed and try to rest until it’s your turn to keep watch.

 

Finally, you reach the gates of the city. Huge walls are built all around it to protect it. There are archers posted up there, keeping an eye out for trouble. Lincoln and Octavia, dressed in their Grounder attire, speak a few words in Trigedasleng that you don’t understand. Briefly, you think that you might have enjoyed learning the language if Lexa hadn’t betrayed you and left you to die.

 

The guards look past the couple and nod at you. Uncertain, you nod back. You see the recognition in their eyes: they know who you are.

 

Once you’re within the walls, on the main street of the city—such a beautiful city and not at all what you expected—you hear murmurs from the people around you.

 

“ _Klark kom Skaikru_ ,” they say, reverently.

 

Everyone knows who you are and you’re not sure how this is possible. Lincoln must have guessed because he tells you that the Grounders are very good drawers. Some have probably drawn portraits of you. He doesn’t say why because he knows how uncomfortable you are with that, but you know it is because those people see you as the one who defeated the Mountain. You are a hero to them, and they worship you. Perhaps that’s the reason you encountered no trouble during your month spent in the woods.

 

Lincoln takes you to the Commander’s house and your eyes widen when you see it. This is most definitely not a house. It’s a palace. It looks like one of those antique places you’ve seen in history books. You had imagined Polis to be the remains of an American city as the books showed you, but you couldn’t have been more wrong. There are pillars everywhere, and statues, and never in your wildest dreams have you ever imagined that Polis could be so fascinating.

 

“Polis will change the way you think about us,” Lexa had said.

 

She was right, of course. Everything in this place appeals to you, makes you want to touch the walls, the ground. Octavia appears next to you, her face showing awe similar to yours. The young girl—almost a full year younger than you—whistles lowly.

 

“Well, damn.”

 

You smile, because this sums up exactly what you’re feeling at the moment.

 

And that’s when you realize that for the first time in over a month, you feel something other than anger and guilt.

 

You smile, and it is genuine.

 

__

 

The Commander is out of the city for two days, the guards tell you. Lincoln shows you an inn where the three of you can stay until Lexa comes back. The keeper of the inn refuses to lend you a room when Lincoln asks. He is known as the traitor and shouldn’t even be in the city, the Grounder tells them. You appear next to Lincoln and Octavia, and suddenly he recognizes you and asks for forgiveness because he didn’t know it was Klark kom Skaikru who wanted a room. You ignore him and simply take the carefully crafted key he hands you.

 

The room is spacious but very simple. There are two beds that look more comfortable than those you had back at the Ark station and you wonder what material they’re made of. Lincoln offers to get food for all of you but you want to go back outside. You want to explore the city. After all, you don’t know how long you’ll be here.

 

__

 

The two days pass in a blur. There are so many things to see in Polis, and the capital is bigger than you expected. Then again, ever since you set foot within the walls, Polis has exceeded all of your expectations.

 

You hear of Lexa’s return in the streets, because word travels fast and people are running toward the gates to welcome their Heda. They rush past you and you follow them at a leisurely pace, your heart pounding in your chest. You’re not entirely sure you’re ready to face her. The last couple of days have softened you, appeased your anger a little bit.

 

But then you see her. She’s riding on a black horse, a magnificent beast, and she looks every bit the Commander that she is. Her posture is majestic and she is not smiling, but her eyes are soft. The crowd is shouting words of love and devotion, and it makes you both uncomfortable and proud, and you don’t understand why.

 

Lexa’s guards are leading the way, going straight to the Commander’s palace. You want to disappear into the crowd when the Commander gets closer to where you stand but it’s too late.

 

Lexa has spotted you.

 

You see her mask slip for a second when her eyes meet yours. Then she does a head motion toward her palace, a sign that she expects you to meet her there. You nod once, clearly, and she looks away.

 

The anger is back, simmering low somewhere inside of you.

 

You take a deep breath and start walking. You should reach the palace in ten minutes.

 

__

 

A Grounder leads you to the throne room, as they call it. You barely listen to what he tells you because you’re too busy gawking at everything around you. Then he leaves you alone and you’re standing in front of the Commander’s throne but Lexa is not here yet. You step closer to the throne and put your hand on the armrest. The surface is cool and smooth beneath your touch.

 

“It’s polished stone.”

 

You startle and spin around, almost losing your balance.

 

Lexa is standing at the door and she’s watching you; her expression unreadable. Her eyes are grey today, and they are shining with something you can’t quite identify. She must have stopped to her chambers first, because she has gotten rid of her armor. She walks toward you until she’s only a couple of feet away.

 

“Hello, Clarke. I did not know you would come to visit, otherwise I would have been here when you arrived.”

“It wasn’t planned.”

“I trust you have been accommodated well?”

“I have.”

 

Lexa nods. Then her voice hardens.

 

“You should not have brought Lincoln and Octavia here.”

 

It’s enough to set you off.

 

“Why? Because they’re traitors?” you ask, while stepping into Lexa’s space.

 

The Commander stands her ground, impassive. It makes your blood boil.

 

“Guess what, Lexa? _So are you_.”

“They disobeyed orders. They are lucky to be alive. It is out of respect for you that I allow them to live.”

“Do you even hear yourself right now?”

“Clarke, you may not understand or accept our rules but—“

“Oh come on, Lexa! I couldn’t care less about your rules right now! It’s the first time you see me since you _abandoned_ me on that Mountain and all you can do is talk to me about Lincoln and Octavia?!”

 

That gets Lexa to falter a bit. She blinks and takes a step back.

 

“I thought with time you would understand,” she says quietly.

“Understand? I understand, Lexa. But guess what? It doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

 

You swore to yourself you would not cry, but there is something in Lexa that triggers emotional reactions in you and a tear escape your eyes. You wipe your cheek angrily and turn away.

 

“Clarke. What I did, I did for my people. I took no joy in that.”

 

You listen to her words but your throat is too constricted for you to formulate an answer.

 

“I—I did not expect the Mountain Man to offer a deal. I’m sorry, Clarke.”

“You left me to die. You told me you cared about me and you _left me to die_ , Lexa.”

 

You face her once again, and see the crack in her carefully composed façade. You choose to push further, to see if you can break her as much as she broke you.

 

“I trusted you and you betrayed that trust.”

“I had to save my people,” the Commander says, swallowing hard.

“ _Fuck_ your people!” you yell, quickly losing control of your temper. “What about my people? What about the alliance?!”

“You are letting your emotions cloud your judgment, Clarke. Perhaps it would be best for you to go and get yourself together.”

 

You slap her. You don’t even realize what you are doing until your palm makes contact with her cheek and Lexa’s head turns to the side. You should be horrified but it felt too good to even be sorry about it. Lexa says nothing, but when you try to slap her again, this time fully conscious of your action, she grabs your wrist mid-air and steps closer to you. Her grip is an iron first around your wrist and you try your best not to wince.

 

“I may have deserved the first one, Clarke,” she growls raucously, “but don’t ever hit me again.”

 

She lets go of you and walks past you without another word. She sits on the throne and speaks a few words in her native tongue, loudly. Barely three seconds later, the heavy door opens and a guard bows his head and awaits an order. Lexa gives it in Trigedasleng, again. The guard comes and grabs your arm, not forcefully but not gently either, and you are escorted out of the room. You look back once, before they close the door, to see Lexa staring at you in a mix of anger and sadness.

 

It makes your stomach churn.

 

__

 

Octavia and Lincoln find you near the fountain on the east side of the city. They sit beside you without a word and they wait until you speak first.

 

“We should go back to Camp Jaha. Tomorrow, maybe.”

“There is a festival tomorrow night. We should at least stay so you can enjoy it,” Lincoln suggests.

 

You’re not sure you could enjoy anything right now, but you nod anyway.

 

“Okay then. We’ll go the day after tomorrow.”

 

__

 

The festival is lovely. There is music and dances and fires. People laugh, and you catch a few words in English but it’s mostly Trigedasleng, which you still don’t understand well, despite Octavia’s attempts at teaching you since you arrived in Polis.

 

You watch as children run after each other, play in the dirt with pebbles, fight each other with sticks. They make you smile, but it’s a sad smile because all you can think about are the children in Mount Weather; the children that you killed.

 

One little girl catches you watching her while she plays with her doll and she gets up and walks toward you.

 

“Klark,” she says with a smile.

 

She’s missing a tooth and it’s adorable.

 

“Ai laik Lyla.”

“Hei Lyla,” you reply, because that, at least, you understand.

“Daun laik yun,” she continues as she hands you her doll.

 

You take it, unsure of what she just said.

 

“Yours,” she clarifies.

 

Then she takes your hand and leads you closer to the center of the city where most of the people are gathered.

 

“How old are you?” you ask, wondering if she can even understand you.

“Fai.”

 

Well, Lyla is pretty smart for a five-year-old if she understands English. They stop once the crowd gets too thick to simply walk through it.

 

“Where are your nomon en nontu?”

“Der,” Lyla answers as she points to a woman not so far away.

 

You stay with the little girl for a while until her mother comes to get her and Lyla smiles at you one last time before they disappear into the crowd.

 

__

 

There aren’t many people left in the streets now. It must be close to two in the morning and the festival has just ended. Your head is spinning and you think that maybe you shouldn’t have drank so much tonight. After Lyla left, you found your way into a tavern and asked for a drink, and then another.

 

Your legs wobble a bit and you lean against a wall, somewhere in the city. You’re not exactly sure where you are. This is only your fourth day in Polis after all.

 

In the inside pocket of your jacket, you can feel Lyla’s doll pressed against your chest. It makes you feel a little better.

 

You walk unsteadily for what seems like an eternity until you raise your head and realize that you’ve stopped in front of the palace. The guards look past you so you take a tentative step forward. No one tries to stop you from going in.

 

__

 

You find Lexa in the throne room, although you have no idea how you even managed to remember where that room is. She’s sitting on the throne reading a manuscript when you barge in. Her hand immediately goes to the sword leaning against the right side of the throne. The Commander relaxes when she sees it’s only you.

 

“Clarke.”

 

Her tone is cold and it makes you shiver. She frowns when you say nothing, and she gets up, leaving the manuscript behind. You watch as she walks cautiously towards you, her eyes never leaving your face.

 

“Clarke,” she repeats, this time a bit softer.

“Your people make a very strong alcohol,” is all you can say.

 

There’s a hint of a smile on Lexa’s face.

 

“I take it you enjoyed the festival?”

“Yeah. It was great.”

 

You wish your words weren’t so slurred.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

She’s genuinely curious and she has a right to be, since it’s the middle of the night.

 

“You left.”

“My presence at the festival is never an obligation. I left because I had other matters to attend to.”

“Not that,” you clarify.

 

And Lexa understands what you are talking about because her mask immediately slips back on.

 

“We talked about this already, Clarke,” she says, her tone clipped and her shoulders tense.

“You told me that you made that choice with your head, not your heart and I don’t understand why you couldn’t use both. Lexa, why couldn’t you use _both_?”

 

If only you hadn’t drank that much. It makes you sound pathetic.

 

“We were in a war, Clarke.”

 

She takes your arm and leads you into an adjacent room where there are chandeliers everywhere and a table with lots of papers on it.

 

“Sit,” Lexa orders.

 

While you obey, she brings you water in a real glass; something you haven’t seen in what feels like forever. You thank her, almost inaudibly. Lexa drags another chair and sits in front of you.

 

“We were in a war,” she starts again, “and in a war Lexa does not exist. I am only the Commander. The Commander does not rule with her heart, Clarke.”

“You were always Lexa with me,” you whisper.

 

She looks at you for a long moment and you try to decipher what that gaze means but it’s impossible. You prided yourself in being able to see right through her, yet since Lexa betrayed you on that Mountain, you feel blind when it comes to her.

 

“I can never be Lexa for long, Clarke. When you are a leader, you can never be yourself anymore. You are your people. You belong to them.”

 

Her voice is gentle and it soothes you. You feel warm in here; you feel safe. The alcohol is making you sleepy, but Lexa is confiding herself in you so you focus on her.

 

“My heart was never truly mine,” Lexa admits. “I gave it to Costia when it was pure and innocent. The war destroyed it, Clarke. It turned it black and rotten. After she died, I—I could not be Lexa at all. There was nothing left of me. I was anger and rage and grief. I was the Commander. There were a few brief moments when I was allowed to be me again, but they were so rare… I gave what was left of my heart to my people. I gave them everything that I was.”

“You were Lexa with me,” you repeat stubbornly.

 

She nods slowly.

 

“I was. Because you made me trust you. You made me feel like I could be Lexa again. That maybe, Lexa was not completely gone. My heart not completely rotten. You made me care about you, Clarke. You complicated everything. When the Mountain Man offered the deal, part of me was tempted to just run my sword through him and keep fighting. That was Lexa. But we were in a war, Clarke. And so Lexa had to _shof op_. You know why I made the deal. You understand it.”

“I do,” you breathe.

 

Lexa refills your glass with water and you gulp it down.

 

“I didn’t want to kill them all,” you admit brokenly, “but I did. All of them.”

“Civilians die in wars, Clarke. Innocent people. That is why wars are so terrible and why we try to avoid them.”

“I can’t deal with it. I don’t know what to do.”

“There is nothing to do, Clarke. You must reconcile yourself with the truth.”

“Which is?”

“The truth is that in this world, to do good you also have to do bad. To live, you have to kill. To protect, you have to sacrifice.”

 

You think you are both way too young to understand such concepts. Lexa takes your hands in hers and she leans closer to you, trying to get you to look her in the eye.

 

“We, as leaders, are the first sacrificed. To protect our people, we must sacrifice ourselves. We do not have the right to live our life the way we may want to. We must live it as leaders. I would have fought alongside you, Clarke, if I had been a warrior and not the Commander. If I had been Lexa and not _Heda_. But I have a people to protect. My people own me.”

 

Lexa’s voice is shaking and it’s like she’s begging you to understand. You bring one of your hands to her face and touch her cheek with your fingertips—something you certainly wouldn’t have done had you been sober. Lexa lets you. Her eyes even flutter closed for a second. You wonder if anyone beside Costia has ever been this gentle with her.

 

“Don’t you wish you could just run away? From all of this?” you ask.

“We cannot think that way, Clarke. We are where we are, and to allow the mind to wander in such utopias is a dangerous thing.”

“Lexa. I’m talking to Lexa, not the Commander.”

 

She’s silent for so long after your words that you wonder if she’s even heard you.

 

“Lexa—“

“Yes.”

 

Your eyes meet then, and you see them. The tears. This is Lexa, in front of you.

 

“Yes?” you push, softly.

“Sometimes I imagine myself in a cabin near a lake. I imagine fishing and hunting for my meals. I imagine waking up with the sun and going for long walks or for a swim. I imagine how it would feel to love and be loved in return without living in fear that someone could take that from me at any moment. I imagine what it would be like to grow old.”

 

Lexa speaks with so much intensity and longing in her voice that it brings your own tears to the surface. You squeeze her hands and it seems to snap her back to reality. Her face hardens once more.

 

“But then I am angry with myself for my foolish thoughts. Being the Commander is an honor.”

“I am not saying the contrary. But wishing your life were different is not foolish, Lexa. It does not make you a bad Commander.”

 

You feel much more awake and aware now. The alcohol is still in your system but the water and Lexa’s words have helped. Lexa stands then, almost knocking her chair over in her haste to put some distance between the two of you.

 

“You should sleep. If you want I can have one of the bedrooms here arranged for you.”

“No.”

“No?”

 

You stand up as well and walk towards her. You’re glad to see that your legs are not wobbly anymore.

 

“Don’t do this. Don’t shut me out. You can trust me, Lexa.”

“Do you trust me?” she fires back.

 

It feels like a slap to the face. You open your mouth to answer and close it again.

 

“I can’t allow myself to trust you when I have not regained your trust, Clarke.”

“I would never betray your trust.”

“That is what I told myself too, before the Mountain. I treasured your trust, but I betrayed it all the same. You do not know what the future will bring. You might have to do to me what I did to you.”

 

And you can’t deny it anymore.

 

“You’re right. If I had been offered the deal, I—I probably would have made the same choice.”

“I know.”

 

Lexa steps closer, so close that you are only inches apart.

 

“And I would be upset too, but I would not hold it against you, Clarke. Such is the life of a leader. Alliances are fleeting.”

“Then let’s unite our people. Let’s be one people instead of two. That way, no one will ever be left behind again. I won’t have to leave you and you won’t have to leave me.”

“The Skaikru and the Trikru are two very different people.”

“If we work together, if you are willing to consider my people yours, then we can do it, Lexa. We could be united.”

 

She seems to consider your words and you can almost see the wheels turning in her head. Finally, Lexa says:

 

“We will discuss this in the morning. It is too late now. I will call for someone to—“

“No.”

“No?” she frowns.

“I’d like to stay with you.”

 

Your voice sounds a lot more confident than you actually feel, and Lexa seems taken aback by your request. She swallows hard and then nods.

 

“Very well. Follow me.”

 

__

 

You lie on Lexa’s bed unashamedly, without being invited to do so. She looks at you with wide eyes, unsure of how to act now that you are in the privacy of her bedroom. You look around and think that this is the most beautiful room someone could ever have. Your eyes stop on Lexa who is still standing by the door.

 

“It’s your room, you know? You don’t have to play guard at the door,” you tease her.

 

For the first time in weeks, you feel a bit lighter. A bit younger. A bit Clarke, and not the leader of the Sky people. Lexa joins you on the bed, and you both lie down next to each other but not close enough to touch. The silence stretches between you two and you watch the ceiling and the shadows cast by the candlelight.

 

“Tell me about this place,” you whisper after a while.

 

And Lexa does. She explains everything about Polis. She explains how her people rebuilt it, not quite exactly where it used to stand. She explains the years that it took and how many people died building houses and the walls to protect the city. She explains the hunts for treasures from the past. She talks about the ocean and the woods and the mountains.

 

Lexa loves Polis and its people. You can hear it in her voice. It makes you smile and it hurts, too. Somewhere in your mind, a part of you wonders if Lexa would ever be able to love you as much.

 

You fall asleep at some point, while Lexa is talking about the different festivals in the city.

 

__

 

When you wake up the next day, the sun is already high in the sky and Lexa is not in the room. There is a glass of water on the table and, right next to it, another one, smaller. You find a note, too, that orders you to drink both, for the headache. And yes, you do have a headache so you do as you’re told.

 

Then you set off in search of the Commander.

 

__

 

Lexa is out of the city for the day, the guard tells you. You feel bad for keeping her awake so late when you should have known that she would be busy. Instead, you go back to the inn and find Octavia and Lincoln ready to leave.

 

“Oh.”

“Where were you?” Octavia asks, worried.

“The palace. I talked to Lexa.”

“I thought we were leaving?”

“You two are. It’s time for you to go back to Camp Jaha. Tell my mother and Bellamy that I will stay here a bit longer to work on the alliance. We need it.”

 

Neither of them tries to argue with you and you part ways shortly after. You go back to the palace and wait for Lexa to come back. It gives you enough time to explore the place and you almost want to weep at such beauty. No wonder it took decades to finish the constructions.

 

You are offered food by maids carrying trays, and you thank them in Trigedasleng every time. When the sun starts waning in the sky, you go back to the throne room to wait for Lexa.

 

You hear a commotion outside and soon after there are shouts—commands, you think—in the palace, just outside the door. You step back right before the door to the throne room is opened rather violently and Lexa appears.

 

She stops when she sees you.

 

There is fury in her eyes like you’ve never seen before. Then you take in the rest of her and you notice the blood. It’s everywhere, on her armor and her face, in her hair and on her hands.

 

“Lexa…”

 

Suddenly you’re scared, because you don’t know if this is her blood or someone else’s, and Lexa is a ball of rage and you can feel the tension radiating off of her. The Commander barks out orders to her guards and servants that you don’t understand. You can barely pay attention to what is happening around you because you’re too focused on the bloody woman in front of you.

 

“Lexa, what happened?”

 

She takes a deep, calming breath before she answers you.

 

“We were ambushed in the woods. Attacked by rebels, bandits. They killed three of my men.”

“The blood—“

“It’s not mine.”

 

Of course she would say that, but when you step closer to her, you see that she just lied to you. There is a gash on her left arm and it looks deep. There is blood dripping on the floor, coming from behind her left leg, too.

 

“You’re hurt.”

 

You try your hardest not to panic.

 

“Where are your healers?”

“Busy with my warriors.”

“Can’t one of them come and take a look at you?”

“I told them to take care of the warriors first.”

 

This is typical of her. You can see she is in pain but Lexa would rather die than admit it.

 

“Ask someone for medical supplies and I’ll stitch you up, then. We can’t wait for the healers to come. You’re bleeding too much.”

 

Lexa looks at you and must see the worry etched across your face because she nods and calls for a servant, who listens to Lexa’s demands, bows her head quickly and runs out of the room. She’s back a couple of minutes later with as many medical supplies as she can carry and drops everything next to you before running back out.

 

You ask Lexa to stay still and slowly, gently, you take off her armor.

 

__

 

Once Lexa is patched up, you take her hand and lead her to her chambers where you force her to lie down. The fact that she offers little protest is proof that the fight has taken much more out of her than she lets on. She is weak and pale, and it makes you hurt. You know she is suffering.

 

You take a chair and bring it next to the bed. Lexa’s eyes follow you across the room.

 

“You were right,” she says when you’re settled on the chair. “We do not need an alliance between our people. We need to unite them, to make them one. We will be stronger then. And I could never betray you again.”

“You need to rest. We’ll talk about this when you’re better.”

“No, Clarke. We should discuss this now and make an announcement as soon as possible.”

“I will talk to my people about it.”

 

Lexa nods and sighs shakily.

 

“Sleep.”

“Do you enjoy giving orders to the Commander?”

 

You see the small smile on her face and know that she’s teasing you.

 

“Yeah, I do. I enjoy it even more when the Commander obeys them.”

 

Lexa falls asleep shortly after that. You spend a long time studying her face and ignoring the tugs at your heart. You don’t sleep at all that night. You stay close to the brunette and think about Mount Weather. You replay the events in your mind, over and over again, until the anger you once felt disappears and gives way to forgiveness. Lexa is barely older than you, yet she’s had to make decisions like this one for much longer. It’s not fair to hold it against her. And you can’t keep fighting her anyway, because Lexa knows more about this world than you do. She knows more about sacrifice and death and guilt. If you’re willing to let her, she will teach you.

 

That night, you come to terms with what you did in Mount Weather. You come to terms with Lexa’s choice.

 

The dead in Mount Weather are long gone.

 

It’s time to move on.

 

__

 

It takes two weeks of arguing points and of making new rules to accommodate both people before you and Lexa reach an agreement. After that, you are sent back to Camp Jaha on a horse with enough warriors to protect you from a small army—which you think is entirely unnecessary but Lexa insists—and you talk to the Sky people about the unification with the Grounders. Some are reluctant; some outright think it’s a bad idea after the Commander’s betrayal. You find yourself having to soothe their fears when, only a month ago, you were thinking the exact same things. But you convince your mother and Kane, and Bellamy. After that, the rest is easy.

 

Jasper comes to talk to you one night, and you apologize for the hurt you caused him, for Maya. He cries at her name and you allow yourself to cry with him. He hugs you for a long time after that and tells you he understands and that he forgives you even though there is nothing to forgive. When he leaves your tent, you feel as if a small weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You sleep better than you have over the past two months.

 

Word has spread out in TonDC, too, because Nyko arrives in Camp Jaha one morning to talk with Lincoln without fear of being seen as a traitor. He explains that generals from every Grounder village have received orders to attend the official ceremony that will unite your people. It sounds oddly like a marriage and the thought of it makes you blush. This unification, in many ways, binds you to Lexa for life. You can see the similarities.

 

__

 

You’re back in Polis soon after, with your mother and Bellamy who have insisted to come with you. You smile at their reactions when they see the capital for the first time. You’re pretty sure you looked just as enthralled.

 

Lexa is waiting for you in the throne room, and she has paint on her face, but not the one she usually sports in times of war. The black paint forms a very neat mask around her eyes and your breath catches in your throat when your eyes meet.

 

“Clarke, I am glad to see you’ve made it back without trouble. Chancellor,” she nods at your mother.

 

The Commander pretty much ignores Bellamy who is standing right next to you and you remember a conversation in a tent, what seems like forever ago.

 

“The announcement will be made tomorrow and we will have a celebration here, in Polis. The generals from all of our villages will be present and will then report to their respective village what they have heard here. Tomorrow, our people will become one people and we will be stronger than any other nation that may live in this world. Now, you can get some rest or you can go outside and enjoy the preparations for the festivities, which will start later tonight. You are of course welcome to stay at the palace for the night.”

 

Bellamy and your mother decide to explore Polis and you tell them that you will meet them later. Once they’re gone, Lexa rises from her throne and motions for you to follow her.

 

She leads you into a room that you’ve never been in before, where apparently she keeps all of her personal belongings and clothes.

 

“Would you like to have the same paint as me on your face for tonight? It is the one used for celebrations.”

 

You can tell it would mean a lot to her, so you agree and say you’d be honored. You sit and stay very still while she applies it on you; her fingers ghosting over your skin, leaving you burning everywhere they touch. You wonder when you’ve started feeling this way about her. You wonder if you’ve ever stopped, even after the betrayal.

 

Lexa is leaning over you and she is focused on what she’s doing, or so you think. But then her eyes meet yours and she whispers:

 

“I am sorry, Clarke. For leaving you behind.”

“I’m tired of living in the past, Lexa. You did what you did, and I did what I did. We both have to live with it.”

“I will never leave you again,” she promises.

 

You want to believe her. Lexa means these words; you know it. But you live in a harsh world and you’ve lost so many people already that it makes you cautious and wary of such vows.

 

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.”

“Clarke—“

“Just… don’t make any promises you’re not sure you can keep. You’re the Commander, Lexa. Every time you step outside of these walls, I am at risk to lose you.”

 

Her gaze softens and she cups your cheek as understanding dawns on her.

 

“I promise to do my best to always come back to you.”

 

You nod, incapable of doing anything else. She smiles at you and finishes applying the paint on your face. She grabs a mirror and holds it in front of you.

 

“Wow,” you let out. “I look… fierce.”

“You look beautiful,” Lexa states, unaware of the effect her words have on you.

 

To her, it is merely a fact but it makes your stomach do somersaults. The air in the room is stifling and Lexa is standing too close and you need air. You thank her and mutter an excuse about having to meet up with your mother and Bellamy—she frowns when you mention him—and you leave the room without looking back.

 

You can’t allow yourself to fall for Lexa. Not again.

 

Maybe it’s already too late.

 

__

 

Lexa stands tall on the balcony of the palace and she looks at the people gathered in the courtyard below. You notice the generals in the front row. The crowd is buzzing but as soon as Lexa raises a hand, everyone falls silent.

 

You stand right next to her while she speaks to the crowd in Trigedasleng. You can’t understand much but you know the Commander is explaining the unification of your people. You will make a similar speech for the Sky people in a few days, with Lexa by your side.

 

Lexa ends her speech by shouting words that the crowd repeats again and again before erupting in cheers and Lexa smiles—a big, toothy smile—and you have to remember how to breathe. You look away and down at Bellamy and your mother who are with the generals. Bellamy is looking at you with one eyebrow raised knowingly and you can feel yourself blushing.

 

Finally, the crowd scatters and the festivities start. You and Lexa step back inside of the palace to join the people outside, but before you can reach the entrance door, she stops you with a hand on your arm.

 

“Clarke.”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for suggesting this. It was your idea.”

 

Why does she always look at you with such intensity in her eyes? It makes you weak in the knees.

 

“It benefits all of us,” you reply.

 

Then you grin and ask her:

 

“Are the Grounders going to call me Heda, too, now?”

“Would you like that?” she asks seriously, missing the joke.

“It’s okay. I’m fine with _Klark_.”

 

She smiles at you and you almost want to tell her that she should do it more often, but you keep your mouth shut. You can’t do that. Not yet.

 

__

 

The celebration is huge and you’ve never seen people so happy. It takes you by surprise: you didn’t think the Grounders would be willing to unite with your people but apparently you were wrong. You cross path with Lyla and she asks about her doll. You tell her that the doll is at Camp Jaha for now and she beams at you. She starts speaking really fast and you’re glad that Lexa is with you because she translates everything for you. Lyla is not shy in front of her Commander and she pokes Lexa in the leg and giggles. Lexa looks at the little girl very seriously before she starts tickling her and the child screams in delight.

 

You watch them interact and Lexa is so different with children that it makes your heart ache. She is young and beautiful and very relaxed. Crouched down to be on Lyla’s level, Lexa seems small despite her attire and the red cloak attached around her neck. She looks up at you and you can’t do anything but stare at her, fascinated by the myriad of emotions you can read in her eyes.

 

The spell is broken when Lyla says something that makes Lexa stop tickling her immediately and let the girl go.

 

“Leida Klark,” Lyla shouts as she runs away.

 

You turn to Lexa, perplexed. She chuckles.

 

“I should not have tickled her so much.”

“Oh.”

 

Lexa takes your hand and leads you into one of the taverns.

 

“We must celebrate, Clarke,” she tells you.

 

You follow her without questions.

 

__

 

Lexa requests a table for the two of you and asks not to be bothered by anyone. The owner of the tavern shows them to a table in the back, hidden behind a curtain. You both sit and wait for the alcoholic beverages to arrive.

 

This time, you’re careful not to drink too fast and too much. You are mostly silent, content with just watching Lexa take sips out of her tankard. The atmosphere is charged and you wish you could read her mind because Lexa is a complete mystery. You’re not sure what she is expecting of you. You’re not sure she’s expecting anything. You’re not even sure what you want from her.

 

Lexa licks her lips after she drinks, and maybe you know what you want after all. You are unable to keep your eyes off of her. She realizes it quickly and enjoys it way too much. Two can play that game, though, and you take off your jacket—slowly—because it’s too hot in the tavern anyway. Lexa’s eyes follow your every move and the dimly-lit room as well as the paint on her face adds to the aura of darkness and mystery that surrounds her.

 

“Clarke,” she drawls.

 

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think she was drunk. But she hasn’t even finished her first drink. No, this is you, the effect that you have on her. Tonight, you stop trying to pretend that you aren’t attracted to her, that you don’t like her, that the past is too heavy to get past it.

 

You stop lying to yourself.

 

You want Lexa.

 

And judging by the way Lexa looks at you, she wants you just as much.

 

__

 

You barely have the time to close Lexa’s bedroom door before she slams you against it and buries her face into your neck, nipping at the skin there. You wonder how you’ve managed to make it back here without touching each other at all, keeping up a cool façade when you are burning inside.

 

Your hands find her hair and you pull gently until she steps back and looks at you questioningly.

 

“I forgive you,” you say.

 

Because this can’t happen if she doesn’t know it, if you don’t tell her. She stares at you and you wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t. Instead, she steps closer to you until your bodies touch and she nuzzles your nose and kisses your lips softly, slowly. Her forehead rests against yours and she closes those eyes you love so much.

 

“Thank you, Clarke. I will never hurt you intentionally.”

“I know.”

“I—I care about you.”

 

You have the feeling that it’s as close to a declaration of love as you’ll ever get from Lexa.

 

“I care about you, too.”

 

You kiss her again, softly at first, and then more passionately. You don’t realize you’ve moved until Lexa falls onto her bed and you fall on top of her. Her hands reach under your shirt, and you forget there is a world outside.

 

__

 

Much later that night, when you are both exhausted and the paint on your faces has all but faded away, Lexa wraps her arms around you and kisses the top of your head.

 

“We will be a good team, Clarke. Together we will build a safe future for the children. We will make this land prosper.”

 

You nod against her chest.

 

“Maybe one day we’ll get that cabin near the lake,” you whisper. “Don’t you think we deserve it?”

 

There is a pause while Lexa considers your words and probably remembers the conversation you’ve had weeks ago.

 

“Maybe we do.”

 

__

 

You fall asleep to the sound of Lexa’s heartbeat.


End file.
